I Find Your Positivity Offensive
Right now, as you swaddle your precious child and whisper sweet baby-talk into its ear, desperate couples in China are hurriedly drowning their newborn daughters.
Somewhere, while you snuggle close to your honey, a confident yet unwitting bachelor is having his last hurrah, receiving a vigorous lap dance from a stripper with a seven inch penis cleverly tucked into a sequin thong.
Over the course of the next year, you will accidently inhale and swallow an average of eight spiders in your sleep.
Which is worse, the Camel Spider on this poor, sleeping soldier’s face, or the fact that his “Brothers in Arms” opted to take a photo of it rather than remove it?
The world is a terrible place. People are horrible to one another. And you’re no peach either.
Seriously, you have absolutely no reason to feel good about anything.
In fact, with every “Things will work out in the end” and “Everything happens for a reason” that I hear, my ability to contain a Michael Douglas-style freak out dissipates that much more. Though I understand that it can be difficult to get through life without a certain amount of optimism, blind excitement for it hits bedrock when faced with the ugliness of reality. And it reveals one of two things about your personality; you are either obnoxiously ignorant, or you’re bitterly condescending.
Maybe both.
Now, to properly understand my point of view, I should provide some context.
This post, I Find Your Positivity Offensive, actually began a few months back and eventually grew into 50 Shade of Black – a blog about all the little reasons you can find to write a person off. When I initially sat down to write this post, I had a specific story in mind…
I once knew this girl. You know the type: spiritual, organic, proactive. When she wasn’t praying to Gaia or the West Wind, she was out protesting for the abortion rights of homeless whales or some such shit. The type of girl who I’d refer to as an evangelical hippy.
Anyway, this girl – who also claimed to be a medium – apparently saw something dark in my aura. Something she couldn’t ignore. Something that made her think “I can help this one. I must intervene.”
She assailed me from all angles. The beauty of the universe and nature. The generosity and kindness of mankind. The wonder of the afterlife. The awesomeness of technology. Kittens.
It was all for naught, however; my persistently shitty attitude proved too strong for her mystical juju, and I half expected her to throw herself out the window when I didn’t find her spiel all that compelling.
Later, in a passionate email which I saved for hysterical quoting purposes, she said, “Don’t suffer on your own so much. Some people who are more sensitive will feel it for you if you can’t feel it yourself.”
So yeah, when I sat down to write all that, I thought, “Boy, that’s awful specific. I’d feel terrible if she were to read it.”
But you know what? Fuck it.
“Don’t suffer?!”
“Can’t feel it yourself?!”
The fucking nerve!
I’m not the one suffering from delusions of a world in which this doesn’t exist:
And who says I can’t feel? I have a fucking mood disorder. My problem is that I feel (and think) too goddamn much.
Though I’ve often been called a douche bag, an asshole, a bastard, and a fuck, its a special kind of put down to show sympathy for someone you deem broken, lost, or helpless.
What’s worse is that, if asked, I’d identify the same simpering yet enthusiastic positivity she displayed as being the more broken perspective. A certain amount of hope may get you through the day but in the grand scheme of things, shit sucks.
I thought about really hammering home the more realistic world that “positive” people often ignore, posting pictures and stories from Best Gore, and calling everyone stupid. I mean, and take this as a warning before you click that link, if seeing home videos of Russian teens murdering homeless people with claw hammers and photos of decapitated toddlers in Syria doesn’t convince you of how ridiculous “Everything happens for a reason” sounds, nothing will.
But I like to gross people out with jokes about blue waffles and famunda cheese; I don’t need you guys to watch Faces of Death to get my point across.
Let’s take a look at the most common points made by the optimistically challenged:
- The Generosity and Kindness of Mankind. Aside from decapitated toddlers in Syria and drowned infants in China, it could be argued that greed and selfishness are genetically and innately bred into the human race. It’s inescapable. Behaviors like hoarding and prejudice are biological imperatives for the success of all species; the CEO of Bank of America is no different than a squirrel stashing nuts, and wanting a separation based on race could be extrapolated to male lions eating the cubs from other sires.
But at least lions can claim stupidity. Humans like to make a big show of just how smart they are. So what’s their excuse? We murder, rape, steal, lie, pollute, and destroy. Oh, and we’re lazy and whiny to boot.
If we’re generous and kind, so are these guys:
And yes, that’s man’s closest relative eating another monkey.
- The Wonders of the Afterlife or Spiritual Realm. I’m not going to spend a lot of time here. Personally, I’m an Atheist and these arguments fall on deaf ears, but for those of you who insist on arguing against math and science:
Where is your God now?
- The Awesomeness of Technology. I could probably end this point by simply invoking Rule 34 and posting a link to Two Girls, One Cup, but I think mankind’s relentless pursuit of all things outside of its grasp also bears mentioning. I’m pretty sure that if we don’t all nuke one another or unleash a incurable virus upon the population, we’ll allow robots to take over. (See: Frankenstein 2013)
- The Beauty of the Universe and Nature. This one really gets me, as there’s a million reasons I can cite as to why nature and the universe hates you. The echidna’s penis is horrifying, but it’s only one animal on a continent full of the weirdest, most deadly creatures in existence.
Whatever. Animals are weird and deadly…the fact that there are more insects on one square mile of earth than there are humans on the planet shouldn’t bother us at all.
Let’s consider the story of Roy Sullivan instead. Besides it’s got a more cosmic vibe to it. Poor ol’ Roy was struck by lightning. Yup. And if being the victim of something we often associate with the rarity of shark bites wasn’t crappy enough, Mr. Sullivan had to endure it seven goddamn times over the course of his life.
Roy ended up killing himself over what some speculate was a woman. I think he finally realized how big of a cocksucker the universe is.
But even sadder than Roy’s story is the story of every nature-loving mystic, drooling over the sunset and the tree line, crushing on the field of flowers, or basking in the glory of a majestic mountain. To be sure, shit like the sun and clouds and birds aren’t anything to scoff at.
Unfortunately, we’ve already established what dicks humans can be. We mow down rainforest, melt the polar icecaps, frack the fuck out the earth’s crust, and send hundreds of species to their extinction. There’s a goddamn island of garbage the size of Texas floating between here and Japan.
Even people that “care” about the environment end up screwing it up. GMOs weren’t created in some nefarious plot to poison humans or whatever people think; they were engineered in an attempt to circumvent insect activity and blight to augment food surpluses.
Face it, the awesomeness of nature is only awesome when you’re not around.
I know, I know. I’m a pessimist. A negative Nancy. I piss on parades.
But given the evidence and the strength of the Chaos Theory, I tend to view myself as more of a realist. Sure, there are good people and good shit happens, but betting on altruism to win out is like waiting on your dryer to produce a stack of warm, folded clothes. Yeah, it could happen, but I have as much of a chance at growing a second penis and becoming ambidextrous.
Wise up, jackass.
Oh, and please don’t ever tell me you’ll pray for my soul.
Mister Fitz 