How Do I Join the Amish Mafia?

This is Alvin.

Alvin is Head Enforcer for the Amish Mafia on Discovery Channel.

Alvin’s duties include breaking up buggy races, overseeing shady livestock deals, and making sure men with beards don’t hit on the single Amish ladies.

Alvin is a complete fuck up.

See, despite being afforded the luxuries of owning a car, having a cell phone, and carrying a gun, Alvin still manages to consistently disappoint Lebanon Levi — the Amish equivalent of John Gotti.

Whether it’s his inability to not eat mushrooms while on the job or his lackadaisical attitude toward keeping Merlin, Levi’s arch-enemy, from burning down the group’s headquarters, Alvin isn’t the handiest henchman to have around.

And yes. I said Merlin.

Merlin is a member of another tribe (?) of Amish from nearby Ohio. As dangerous as he is stupid, Merlin’s spent time in prison and now runs his own little crew of anti-technological gangstas — most notably, a midget named Wayne.

And yes. I said an ex-con Amish gangster wannabe named Merlin employs a midget as his muscle.

Wayne is infinitely more effective than Alvin. In addition to his willingness to take an axe-handle to a car’s windshield on a busy street in the middle of the day, he’s as loyal as they come; when Merlin found himself shunned by his community, Wayne secretly shared pie with him — apparently, a huge no-no when it comes to being shunned?

Though ballsy and loyal, Wayne is a loose cannon. Besides always complaining about being paid, it’s the Lilliputian’s very willingness to go Paul Bunyan on a car in broad daylight that led to Merlin’s shunning in the first place. I’m pretty sure it was Wayne who set fire to Levi’s secret shack.

No. Wayne is just as much of a fuck up as Alvin.

Of course, then there’s Jolin.

Jolin is another of Levi’s enforcers. He’s much more competent than Alvin. And is…heads and shoulders…above Wayne, in terms of professionalism. But because he’s Mennonite and not Amish, he’s not allowed very high up in the hierarchy.

But just look at that motherfucker. All suave and shit with his deputy shades and goatee. Intimidating as fuck with his black SUV and pump-action shotgun. Quoting Bible verse and popping caps like his name was Samuel Fucking Jackson.

But wait.

While Jolin is an accomplished mixed martial artist, knows how to handle various firearms and explosives, and is serious about his sobriety and the good of the community, he’s about as flexible as a piece of uncooked spaghetti. It’s difficult to facilitate your role as an Amish Godfather when your muscle thinks part of his job is to keep you in line too.

And good luck collecting money owed from a guy whose buggy you’ve blown up or dragged down the road with your truck — how do you expect the guy to get to his carpentry job now?

So who does that leave aspiring Amish Kingpins Levi and Merlin to rely on?

      

Brother and sister, John and Esther?

Well, besides having another brother, Freeman, whom they believe to be possessed by the devil, John and Esther are douchebag Amish.

John, who borders on mentally handicapped himself, sees Levi as occupying his rightful position of power and Merlin as a means to an end. Though every plan to get ahead he conceives goes horribly awry, he continues to attempt overthrows of both Merlin and Levi.

Always trying to cheat his Boss, John often bounces between the two rivals — alternately accepting beatings and confinements in the abandoned corn silo as punishments for his fuck ups.

Esther supports her inept brother however she can – which, it turns out, is by flaunting her Amish goodies for Levi. Levi’s not allowed to look at her while they’re at the beach, but just the thought of her pale, pudgy flesh seems to bend him to her whim every time.

In a sad indictment of twenty-first century society, even the Amish serve as evidence of Bel Biv Devoe’s assertion that one should “never trust a butt and a smile.”

And at the risk of sounding racist, you can’t depend on the Black Amish either.

Alan plays into every stereotype of urban African Americans that every urban African American fight to escape…despite being raised in rural Pennsylvania, in a traditional Amish community.

Dresses like a pimp? Check.

Deals drugs? Check.

Done time? Check.

If it upsets you that these are stereotypes and that Alan prescribes to them, I apologize. Write to Discovery. I’m just commentating.

That said, Alan is perhaps the worst choice for a mafia henchman.

Sure, he’s tough and has connections. But when he can’t keep his own ass out of trouble, how is he supposed to protect the Boss’s?

And if you don’t visit him while he’s in prison, he swears revenge on you and blames you for his incarceration. Talk about a baby.

Black Amish? More like Bitch Amish.

So, I guess that only leaves one alternative.

Big Steve.

Big Steve is about six and a half feet tall and completely unintelligible. And not in that, “I only speak Pennsylvanian Dutch” sort of way. Big Steve can follow simple commands and typically carries a machete. Occasionally, Big Steve will nod his agreement. He is, for all intents and purposes, Levi’s Cave Troll.

Maybe I meant unintelligent.

But you know what?

In spite of Big Steve’s size, looks, and choice of weaponry, he’s a big puss.

As Sir Robin’s minstrel once sang, “when evil reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.”

It’s true, on a recent episode, the lummox left the community at the first threat of a confrontation. Just up and disappeared after an off-screen encounter…

With…

Wait for it…

Wayne, Merlin’s midget henchman.

Well, to be honest, it’s never made clear which of Merlin’s men threatened poor Steve. But in a fanciful world where an Amish Scarface doles out retribution for sideswiped buggies and conducts business from the comfort of his sheep pasture, I’d like to think Big Steve Frankenstein was taken down by one of the Lollipop Kids.

So, where do I sign up?

How do I get into the Amish Mafia?

I could undoubtedly do a better job.

Adjustment to the loss of technology wouldn’t be an issue, since the Amish Mafia seem to ignore that tenet of the faith. I can learn how to use a gun. And I look good in black.

I’m also willing to bet that some of those Amish chicks get freaky for “English” men.

Besides, the other qualifications seem pretty relaxed. Alvin is an idiot. Wayne is a psychotic midget. John and Esther can’t be trusted. Alan is in constant trouble with the law. Big Steve can barely speak. And Jolin isn’t even Amish.

Shit, the villains on Adam West’s Batman had better backup than these assholes.

 

I like their hats better too.

~ by Mister Fitz on September 2, 2013.